Andyland, USA

Ladies and Gentlemen, this week's column is going to be a little bit different than what you're used to. For one, this week's column was actually written by a group of monkeys in adorable, 1930s, bellboy outfits. The cuteness level is beyond comprehension. I'm kidding, of course, though I am wearing a fez and despite what everyone has told me, I feel quite good in it. But in all seriousness, this week's column is the culmination of several years of work on myself that I'm proud of. I suffer from a rare, little known medical condition. I've also been asked to become the new national spokesperson for this condition, in a new series of PSAs that, hopefully, will bring more light to the cause. I suffer from what is known as “Sleep Jagger”. “Sleep Jagger” is a condition that one in every five hundred Americans suffer from, though it's not life threating, “Sleep Jagger” does have negative effects on your life, your relationships, and loved ones. The c...

People of the universe, let me ask you something. When was the last time you fell for someone you most likely shouldn't have fallen for? You know what I'm talking about, the ones who are so very close to what you want, you over look those two or three other things that can throw it all off. Last year, I found myself in such a situation. I fell for this particular woman, and I fell HARD. I'll spare you the details about her that caused me to fall so deeply, but once we had waltzed our way through the flirtation stage, she made it clear to me that I wasn't enough for her. So I did what any decent, upstanding member of the community would do after this. I drank black coffee and listened to every depressing Sinatra album I could find for days. Around day three I found that this was a bad combination, I was all weepy, and constantly running to the bathroom. It was also close to Thanksgiving, and no one wants to deal with a weepy man with a loaded bladder at that holi...

Say the title “The Avengers” and what would you suspect most people today see in their minds? A team of comic book superheroes? Mention that title to me, and I see in my head two people. A marvelously sexy woman in a leather cat suit, and a dashing man in an bowler hat, with an umbrella. This would be the other set of Avengers, those of the 1960s British television series “The Avengers”, a show which happens to be one of my favorites. The high point, and most memorable part of the series run, comes from the middle three seasons—the Emma Peel era. Before I get to that, let me give you a brief overlook at the series. The series began in the UK in 1961, it was a proto spy series, with the first season centered around a doctor and his friend—John Steed, as played by Patrick MacNee—avenging the death of his wife. As the second season roll around, the doctor was gone and Steed had a female partner, Cathy Gale. A role played by Honor Blackman, best to know for playing Pussy Galore in ...

Couldn't think of anything to go with this, so let's all enjoy Audrey. I hope you won't find this week's column to be too indulgent. After all, it's only a column discussing how brilliant and humble I am. Kidding. This week's column stems from the fact that—in one of the very few times this has occurred—this week's issue of The Loafer is coming out on January  8th. This happens to be the date of my birth. It's not a bad date at all to be born on, I share this day with Elvis Presley, David Bowie, and Graham Chapman from Monty Python. Fine company indeed.  I'm 28 today, and I have no problem with that, or age at all. Over the past year, I found myself taking issue with some people I graduated with from high school on Facebook. You know the ones, they never talked to you much in high school, but yet they insist you accept their friend request. The issue I found myself having, was some of their status updates. “Can't believe I'm ...