Andyland, USA

I was standing in the fresh market, and I was having a panic attack. I’ve cooked Thanksgiving meals before. I’ve been in supermarkets the day of Thanksgiving with no trouble at all. This was different. I was getting ready to cook Thanksgiving dinner for a woman I found myself attracted to. We had gone out a few times, and each time was even lovelier than the last. Despite my angst and bitter disposition at the universe for the way that romance has treated me, the fact of the matter is, as Morrisey said, “I am human and I need to be loved.” Grocery shopping is one of the ways I relax, I know that’s weird, but that’s me. The rational part of my brain began to counter my panic centers as soon as the attack started. “Dude, you’re in a grocery store! You love this! Bread! Food! Cheese! Cookies! Those really nice organic cleaning products! Chill, brah.” Logically I knew I had this. I’ve cooked entire holiday meals by myself before. But the part of my brain that fuels the anxiety a...

By the time Thanksgiving had ended last year I found myself faced with two situations. One, that I had spent the night at my Aunt's house without planing to do so. Two, that the family collectively asked me if I would do their Black Friday shopping for them. Granted, they didn't so much “ask” as much as “shove a list into my hands and write checks.” I had spend most of last Thanksgiving, and the night before it, at my Aunt’s house in Morristown. I returned home to do the shopping and to, hopefully, catch a moderate amount of sleep. I was given the list at 6:45 in the evening. I left shortly after seven, and considering traffic, I made it home around 8:30. I’m not one who can just fall into bed and sleep, I have to wind down a bit, there’s the also the fact I have a touch of the family insomnia that kicks up from time to time. In this situation I also had to unpack and put away all the gear I took to my Aunt’s. I finally had everything done and put away by 9:15. In m...

My desk is often flooded with e-mails, letters, tweets, and angry blog posts all asking for my guidance. As many of you know, I'm the nation's foremost expert when it comes to Thanksgiving. You've no doubt read my book “Thanksgiving: A Guide to Surviving the Big Day without Committing a Homicide.” It's sold well over 10s of copies. With the big day just a few weeks away, I thought now would be a good time to respond to the many questions piling up on my desk. These questions were chosen at random by a three year old on a sugar high. Our first question comes from NAME REDACTED from Erwin, NAME REDACTED asks “My family thinks that marshmallows on sweet potatoes is an essential part of any Thanksgiving meal, I personally think that marshmallows on sweet potatoes is a sign that Satan is among us. What are your thoughts on this topic?” Well, REDACTED, I've never felt that the lovely treat that is marshmallows has ever been a sign of a malevolent force present...

I've been losing weight this year in a new effort to make myself a little trimmer and healthier. I've accomplished this by cutting down on fats and sugars, and making an effort to move around more. I walk around two miles daily, which is an increase from where I began with just doing a mile a day at the start of the year. I've managed to drop 20 pounds this year, which I bring up because I want you heap praises and laurels upon me. However, we're now entering into the most delicate time of the year when it comes to keeping on the right path. Food is coming. In the span between Halloween and New Year's Day it could become very easy to gain back all 20 pounds I lost. Halloween obviously has massive bowls of candy sitting around the house. In my family Halloween takes on a Christmas level importance, there is also a buffet table of food out on Halloween night. Any amount you might have lost to healthy activities could be easily blown in one night. Between...

Thanksgiving is this week (don't panic!). Since we tend to get a little too caught up in the idea of Thanksgiving being all about the food—I'm just as bad as anyone about this—I've decided that I wanted to a column that's a little different from what I usually do in these pages. Thanksgiving is really all about taking a moment and remembering what you're thankful for. The modern world is crazy, and the more we spend invested in our phones than our interactions with each other, it's easy to forget the aspects of life that are really important. So if you'll indulge me, this week's column is going to be a list of what I'm thankful for. If you don't want to read it, that's fine. My usual fare will be here next week, but this is just something that I wanted to do. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for their support, and their love, and their care towards me. I'm thankful that I'm around to help take care of them...

OK, I’m gonna tell you exactly how you’re gonna survive cooking a large meal, and feeding it to more members of your family than you’re used to dealing with at the same time. I’m not going to tell you how to cook the meal, you can google Alton Brown for that. The stress factor on Thanksgiving can be high, and mostly it doesn’t come from preparing the meal, so much as that one uncle that wants to do nothing about talk about politics and Jesus. It's that you really have to worry about. Fear not! We're gonna get through this, it's gonna be alright. First off, focus on cooking the meal. Why? Because that will give you a legitimate reason to not talk to family members. Welcome them, greet them kindly, then say “Sorry, I've got to get back to the kitchen”. Granted, some family will want to linger in the kitchen and try to talk to you/sneak a bite of something. If someone wanders in, put a spoon in their hand, and make them do something. At some point your Uncle Bill...

We're entering into that time of the year known affectionately to one and all as “The Holidays”. What this means, besides an overwhelming sense of anxiety about the state of your bank account, is that a large number of people who are related to you will be showing up at your doorstep. Basically from now until the end of the year, you're going to be on high alert to keep your abode as spotless as possible. Borderline obsessiveness kicks in as you roam from room to room, examining everything to make sure not a spec of dust is within sight. Knowing that company would be coming at some point, I began my focus on the guest bedroom and bathroom. The bedroom is carpeted, and I began by vacuuming up every square inch of the carpet, then I deloused it. I mopped, sprayed, and sanitized the bathroom, then I did the same for the bedroom. The last task was to seal both rooms, I had no intention of letting anyone in those rooms that weren't planning on staying over for an...

Does anyone ever actually have the perfect, Normal Rockwell, Thanksgiving? We all view Thanksgiving differently. To some, it's a chance to come together with dear friends and loved ones, and eat a mighty fine meal. To others, it's a horror movie far scarier than anything Hollywood could dream up. “From the depths of condensed canned soup, and instant mashed potatoes it came! Crawling from a black pool of unspeakable horror! This Thanksgiving, you can run, you can hide, but you can't escape from THE CASSEROLE FROM AUNT VERNA'S KITCHEN! No one will be seated during the shocking stuffing sequence.” This year, I wasn't hosting. It was worry free Thanksgiving for me. Completely lacking in stress. Stress from having to clean every micro inch of my house. Stress from having to bring forth a meal so amazing, it would make the saints cry. Matter of fact, the morning of Thanksgiving I felt so relaxed, I paraded around my house wearing only my bathrobe, singing “Se...