Andyland, USA

When I can't find a picture to match the column, I post a picture of Audrey Hepburn. This was written last year, in honor of the 300th "Batteries Not Included" column being published.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is the 300 th Batteries Not Included column; an achievement that I am most proud of, and one that warrants some recognition. It seems everyone has an award show or ceremony today, so that is why I am pleased to announce my new award: The Andrew W. Ross Award for Excellence Going Onward. My goal with this award is to establish an achievement for those who have set the bar high in their particular field. The trend setters, the news makers, those who work hard, but are humble and stay in the background. I'm also pleased to announce that the first recipient of The Andrew W. Ross Award for Excellence Going Onward is none other than that modern day Hemingway, Mr. Andy Ross. The ceremony for the first annual EGO award took place recently, I rent...

I found myself in the market for a new computer. Why? Because when your current computer acts slow, freezes up, and does things that annoy you to the point of pondering jumping off your roof—it's time for a change. I don't ask for much out of my computer. I need a good computer, but I don't need a “super computer” with a mind of its own. The last thing I need is to be coming home late one night, try to open my garage door, and a computer say “I'm sorry, Andy, but I'm afraid I can not do that.” I'm no technical luddite by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm also not nearly competent enough to be in charge of any serious super powered bit of technology. I can't program in binary code, and if Pixar would let me in to do some work for them, I might be able to make a blob that kinda, sorta, looks like Hong Kong Phooey. The biggest pull for me with a new computer, is one that can handle all my media without hesitation. My current com...

Part of my love for movies comes from a desire to see pictures that are just downright fun to watch. They don't even need to be movies that are all that good, and sometimes just a title and atmosphere can be enough to make it a win for me. This is where Universal's mid 1940s film series “Inner Sanctum Mysteries” lies for me. Based upon a popular radio program of the day, which in turn was based upon a series of books, the six films that comprise the series are quite fun to think about, strictly based on titles alone. There's nothing all that significant about these movies, they're all B pictures, and they all star Lon Chaney, Jr. But what is it that these movies have that makes it worth your time? For one thing, there's the titles. All six films, in order: Calling Dr. Death, Weird Woman, Dead Man's Eyes, The Frozen Ghost, Strange Confession, and my favorite title Pillow of Death . Who wouldn't want to see a movie called Pillow of Death...

So apparently I'm anti-social, according to friends. Personally, I don't think I'm anti-social. It's not like every time a stranger comes to my door I freak out. Shutter all the windows, jettison the cat out in an escape pod. Lock myself away in my panic room, curl up in the fettle position, and cry for an hour and a half while listening to the soundtrack to Evita . No, I don't do that, not at all. Seriously, I'm not anti-social. Saying that I'm anti-social would make it sound as if a simple task like going to the grocery store would fill me with dread and horror. I mean, sure, when I do go grocery shopping I get a little overwhelmed by the people, and the fact that there's a giant glowing orb in the sky. Perhaps it's also true that when I reach the frozen foods, I have to face dive into bags of frozen peas just to compensate with all that is going on. By time I've reached the check out, I'm breathing into a paper bag and demandi...