Andyland, USA

By the time Thanksgiving had ended last year I found myself faced with two situations. One, that I had spent the night at my Aunt's house without planing to do so. Two, that the family collectively asked me if I would do their Black Friday shopping for them. Granted, they didn't so much “ask” as much as “shove a list into my hands and write checks.” I had spend most of last Thanksgiving, and the night before it, at my Aunt’s house in Morristown. I returned home to do the shopping and to, hopefully, catch a moderate amount of sleep. I was given the list at 6:45 in the evening. I left shortly after seven, and considering traffic, I made it home around 8:30. I’m not one who can just fall into bed and sleep, I have to wind down a bit, there’s the also the fact I have a touch of the family insomnia that kicks up from time to time. In this situation I also had to unpack and put away all the gear I took to my Aunt’s. I finally had everything done and put away by 9:15. In m...

I would like to describe to you the events of last Thanksgiving. Here’s the particulars of the situation before I dive into the “meat” of the matter. I was not hosting last year, the family was gathering at my Aunt’s house, which at this time last year was in Morristown. Thanksgiving for me began on the Wednesday night before. It was around 9:00 when the phone rang, I was sitting quietly listening to some Jazz, and reading a copy of “The Big Sleep” that had been sitting on my coffee table for months.  My house phone is one of those that speaks the name of the caller as it rings, I always wait for it to tell me who it is, so I don’t have to get up for some damn telemarketer. The phone indicated that it was my Aunt who was calling, so I rushed over to the receiver. Upon answering I could tell that my Aunt was in something of a panic. “It’s frozen! What am I going to do?” was the response when I said “hello.” I would soon learn that my Aunt was referring to the 20 pound turkey ...

My desk is often flooded with e-mails, letters, tweets, and angry blog posts all asking for my guidance. As many of you know, I'm the nation's foremost expert when it comes to Thanksgiving. You've no doubt read my book “Thanksgiving: A Guide to Surviving the Big Day without Committing a Homicide.” It's sold well over 10s of copies. With the big day just a few weeks away, I thought now would be a good time to respond to the many questions piling up on my desk. These questions were chosen at random by a three year old on a sugar high. Our first question comes from NAME REDACTED from Erwin, NAME REDACTED asks “My family thinks that marshmallows on sweet potatoes is an essential part of any Thanksgiving meal, I personally think that marshmallows on sweet potatoes is a sign that Satan is among us. What are your thoughts on this topic?” Well, REDACTED, I've never felt that the lovely treat that is marshmallows has ever been a sign of a malevolent force present...

I've been losing weight this year in a new effort to make myself a little trimmer and healthier. I've accomplished this by cutting down on fats and sugars, and making an effort to move around more. I walk around two miles daily, which is an increase from where I began with just doing a mile a day at the start of the year. I've managed to drop 20 pounds this year, which I bring up because I want you heap praises and laurels upon me. However, we're now entering into the most delicate time of the year when it comes to keeping on the right path. Food is coming. In the span between Halloween and New Year's Day it could become very easy to gain back all 20 pounds I lost. Halloween obviously has massive bowls of candy sitting around the house. In my family Halloween takes on a Christmas level importance, there is also a buffet table of food out on Halloween night. Any amount you might have lost to healthy activities could be easily blown in one night. Between...