Professional Wedding Vows

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Why The Addams Family? Why not!?


Next weekend, my very dear friend Amanda is getting married. As the countdown clicked on and the stress levels rose, we would talk about all that has to be done before the ceremony. You're practically working right until the moment you say “I do”. Amanda talked to me of the rush of organization, showers, and general madness of dealing with people. One area of particular stress for Amanda, was writing the vows. This led my brain to thinking. Amanda's wedding is the kick off of a late summer to fall wedding season for me, I have four to attend.

So I thought as a service to my friends, and those of you with your own wedding worries on your mind. I've taken it upon myself to create some vows that you are more than welcome to use for your own wedding. These are all gender neutral, so feel free to adapt them to suit your needs however you see fit. The vows below are perfect for any wedding or commitment ceremony. You even have my permission to photocopy them and include them in your wedding program. Now, without further ado, your professionally written wedding vows.

My darling, since you came into my life, things just haven't been the same. That rash cleared up, the jury acquitted me, and I feel like I'm walking on air. There are so many things about you that I love. The way that your nose curls up slightly. The way that you effortlessly manage to keep things running with ease. The way that you sneak up behind me and snipe me when we play Call of Duty on Xbox. During my first stint in prison, I used to lie awake at night, looking at the stars from behind the bars, and wondering if there was anyone for me. As I stand here today, committing myself fully to you,. I know the answer to that question.

Sweetness, when I first gazed upon your face, I was gnawing on a chicken bone in the ally behind the Food City. I thought you were the sheriff, and I ran. You, thinking I was an escapee from the nearby clinic, tackled me and we both fell onto a mound of empty egg crates by the dumpster. That night was pure magic, we laughed and got dip cones at the DQ. After learning we had so much in common, we went over to Farmer Jenkins' Farm and tipped all the cows over. Our love is strong and rigid, so much so that the men from those Viagra commercials will sing songs about it. I love you, my precious darling, and I always will.

This is when it would be a good idea to play some romantic song that is important to you. Something along the lines of “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones, or “Lush Life” by Johnny Hartman. The overwhelming emotion of the vows, combined with these choices in music, will no doubt send everyone gathered for your special day to tears. It is my sincere hope, that if you do choose these vows, that it will make your wedding day embedded in the minds of those you love for years to come.

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