Forgotten Lore

-

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, trying to come up with a Halloween column was a bore. It seemed not a single idea that my mind conceived of satisfied my need of. My need of a topic that was not a bore. My need of a column that I hadn't done before. Then is when I noticed, resting gently on the glass top coffee table. My iPhone, fully charged, ready, able to handle any single chore.

Soon my fingers went to tapping, some would say gently rapping. Rapping across the glass touch screen. Typing for an answer to my problem. I asked Siri to find me answers, find me a common list of Halloween traditions. Yet all Sir would reply with was “nevermore”. “Nevermore”? What is this “nevermore”? Oh, a curse upon this iOS 7! A curse upon it and it's day glow colors, that cheerfully display the “nevermore.”

Desperately I spoke the words once more, the words that would complete my futile chore “Siri, what are some popular American Halloween traditions?” Still, Siri would only reply with “nevermore”. I threw the phone down into my easy chair, and ran up the stair. To the computer inside my office door, the one that I had used all those many times before. I woke the computer and went to Google, Google an answer to my chore, an answer that would not make my Halloween column a bore.

But alas, Google was not the answer, the router was shot, the connection was no more. Then is when I realized to my own horror, that my only connection to the outside world, and the world wide web, was that of 4G on the device that kept repeating “nevermore”. I rushed back down and picked up the iPhone, “Siri, truly your forgiveness I implore! I must complete this chore, or else my column will be a bore!” Quoth, Siri, “Nevermore”.

“Vive digital temptress!” I exclaimed, “A pox upon thee, Siri! A pox upon thee and thy programmer's door. A pox that will curse them with 'nevermore'!” In my desperation, I tried to message friends for help, yet the update of iOS 7 had shattered my iMessages. Text as much as I could, it seemed I could not reach them. “Siri, please, I beg you, can you tell me how to fix my messages?”
Quoth, Siri, “Nevermore”.

A loud rumble of thunder, and a crack of lighting roared, wind so furious it blew open my chamber door. I quickly ran to the door, and tried with all my might to shut it once more. Once shut, I finally collapsed, collapsed into the soft cushions of my straight back chair that faced the door. Collapsed determined to no longer hear Siri speak “nevermore”. My exhaustion gave in, and I rested, woken only in the morning by the feeling of the warm sun rising upon an Autumn day.


I woke and grabbed my iPhone, which had somehow landed over by the fireplace. I asked “Siri, what does my day look like?” “You have a meeting at two”. I was in no state to be seen by others, so I simply said to Siri “Cancel the meeting, I shall be attending them, nevermore”. With time I finished my column, and it was not a bore. Still I remain curious, curious of that night, and if ever again will I hear Siri say to me “nevermore”.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Exploring The Archive

-
Image
You want to know something? It's an obscenely great time to be a classic movie fan. Especially if you're a young classic movie fan, something that I am, and something that it seems is growing in numbers every day. Young people—mostly 20 somethings—who are passionate about classic films, and realize that they are important, and must be shared with others. It's easy for us to take for granted how spoiled we are. We can access virtually any movie we want to. We can get a DVD, we can go to Netflix, we can rent it on iTunes, we can spend a day watching them on TCM. It's truly an embarrassment of riches. But what for those movies that have fallen through the cracks? Those obscure gems, cult classics, and forgotten favorites that never managed to hit home video in the days of VHS? There is a facet of hardcore movie lovers who want to own as much as possible. But home video is a business, and the mega chains aren't going to stock the odd titles that only hardc...
Read more

Red, White, and Blaine

-
Image
In 1996 Christopher Guest returned to the mockumentary genre with his look at regional theater “Waiting for Guffman.” Guest, most famously, being one-third of the fictional rock band Spinal Tap in the perhaps the best mockumentary ever made, “This is Spinal Tap.” “Guffman” also kicks off the cycle of Christopher Guest directed mockumentaries. The films all using the same group of actors, and all written by Guest with Eugene Levy, both of whom also act in the films. Guest’s films are largely improved by the actors, with the written material serving as an outline for the film’s story. “Guffman” takes place in the fictional town of Blaine, Missouri—a small town that is celebrating its 150th anniversary. Big dreamer and New York Transplant, Corky St. Clair (Guest) has created a musical celebration of the town called “Red, White, and Blaine.” The show within the show appears towards the end of the film, Guest teamed up with his "Spinal Tap” cohorts, Michael McKean & Harry S...
Read more

It's The Holiday Season

-
Image
Now don't get huffy at me, but let's face it. Once Halloween is over, it's the Holiday season. The stores have cleared away the spooks and spiders, and the snow and evergreen begins to make it's appearance. Everyone bemoans over the fact that they forget about Thanksgiving, but what do you want to do? Walk into Target and buy a plastic pilgrim? Thanksgiving is the holiday that you celebrate at the supermarket, while freaking out over the coming tidal wave of family and expectations. On the first of the month, I found myself out and about running errands. One department store I visited was already playing Christmas music, trees and glittery snowflakes up all over the place. With the Halloween paraphernalia all marked down to the lowest price. The only stores where you're not bonked over the head with Christmas, would be those food and kitchen specialty stores. They want you geeked up to cook a giant turkey dinner for the family, using their amazingly handy b...
Read more