Mr. Ross Requests

-

Thanks to my numerous speaking engagements across the country, the organization that is AndyCo has become a mighty beast. As such, I have reached the stage in which a rider is now required. A rider is a list of requests and demands that an important artist like myself needs in order to perform at optimal quality. Since my booking office has been overwhelmed with requests, I've decided to make my rider public so everyone can know what they're getting in to. Personally, I don't think my requests are all too strange or out of the ordinary. All together, they make a very simple list of requirements that anyone who is running around the country would ask for. The following is copied verbatim from my rider.

Mr. Ross requests that fresh towels, color of blue, are on hand for every performance. No more than five, no less than three.

Mr. Ross REQUIRES that Evian bottled water be on hand, chilled to an exact 45 degrees fahrenheit. It is also required that this water be delivered to Mr. Ross when he calls for it by a grandmother of three, who firmly believes that the New York Times crossword puzzle is a conspiracy to take away her medication. This is non negotiable.

It is requested that a school choir learn the entirety of Issac Hayes' classic album “Hot Buttered Soul” and be on hand to sing it at the drop of a hat. The hat will be dropped by a member of Mr. Ross's team, known as “The Hat Dropper.”

Mr. Ross needs a room to relax in post show, this room must be kept at 74 degrees, contain a record player, and a tub full of granola and yogurt. The venue must also provide a fresh copy of Monopoly to be played post show as well. This game will be destroyed after completion, Mr. Ross has no wish for you to profit by selling it on eBay.

The green room should have a bowl full of twinkies in it. However, it is required that these twinkies be only the ones that are directly below the logo on the package. If it is found out that any non-logo covered twinkies have been included, all hell will break loose.

No one is allowed to make direct eye contact with Mr. Ross. God help you if any of your venue staff does this.

Mr. Ross will only greet backstage guests half an hour after performance, only while resting on a fainting couch.

There you all have it, a little look at the very reasonable demands I have for my art. So far the venues have been great about keeping up with my rider, I've only had to sue three of them. Good times, good times. See you on the road!  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Red, White, and Blaine

-
Image
In 1996 Christopher Guest returned to the mockumentary genre with his look at regional theater “Waiting for Guffman.” Guest, most famously, being one-third of the fictional rock band Spinal Tap in the perhaps the best mockumentary ever made, “This is Spinal Tap.” “Guffman” also kicks off the cycle of Christopher Guest directed mockumentaries. The films all using the same group of actors, and all written by Guest with Eugene Levy, both of whom also act in the films. Guest’s films are largely improved by the actors, with the written material serving as an outline for the film’s story. “Guffman” takes place in the fictional town of Blaine, Missouri—a small town that is celebrating its 150th anniversary. Big dreamer and New York Transplant, Corky St. Clair (Guest) has created a musical celebration of the town called “Red, White, and Blaine.” The show within the show appears towards the end of the film, Guest teamed up with his "Spinal Tap” cohorts, Michael McKean & Harry S...
Read more

Exploring The Archive

-
Image
You want to know something? It's an obscenely great time to be a classic movie fan. Especially if you're a young classic movie fan, something that I am, and something that it seems is growing in numbers every day. Young people—mostly 20 somethings—who are passionate about classic films, and realize that they are important, and must be shared with others. It's easy for us to take for granted how spoiled we are. We can access virtually any movie we want to. We can get a DVD, we can go to Netflix, we can rent it on iTunes, we can spend a day watching them on TCM. It's truly an embarrassment of riches. But what for those movies that have fallen through the cracks? Those obscure gems, cult classics, and forgotten favorites that never managed to hit home video in the days of VHS? There is a facet of hardcore movie lovers who want to own as much as possible. But home video is a business, and the mega chains aren't going to stock the odd titles that only hardc...
Read more

It's The Holiday Season

-
Image
Now don't get huffy at me, but let's face it. Once Halloween is over, it's the Holiday season. The stores have cleared away the spooks and spiders, and the snow and evergreen begins to make it's appearance. Everyone bemoans over the fact that they forget about Thanksgiving, but what do you want to do? Walk into Target and buy a plastic pilgrim? Thanksgiving is the holiday that you celebrate at the supermarket, while freaking out over the coming tidal wave of family and expectations. On the first of the month, I found myself out and about running errands. One department store I visited was already playing Christmas music, trees and glittery snowflakes up all over the place. With the Halloween paraphernalia all marked down to the lowest price. The only stores where you're not bonked over the head with Christmas, would be those food and kitchen specialty stores. They want you geeked up to cook a giant turkey dinner for the family, using their amazingly handy b...
Read more