The Diary of the Twelve Days of Christmas: Revised

-

December 25

Dear Diary,

    Here we are, Christmas day! My wife and I have had a wonderful Christmas! We had a marvelous meal and enjoyed spending time with family and friends. We're doing something different, however, we're going to roll our gifts out over the 12 days of Christmas. Should be exciting, and perhaps let that Christmas spirit last longer. Today I was given a beautiful pear tree, with a partridge on the top of it. The cat is having a fit over the bird, and I'm trying to figure out where in the yard to put the tree. 

December 26

Dear Diary,

    Today my wife gave me two turtle doves, they're getting along just fine with the partridge. I didn't really ever think I'd have any birds in my lifetime, but now I have three. They're pretty, and they sing well. The cat drools when he walks by them. We're keeping them as far away from him as possible, I have to run to PetSmart and buy bird feed. 

December 27

Dear Diary,

    OK, things are taking an odd turn, more birds! Today it was three French hens—though I appreciate the number thing she has going for her, I don't know what to do with French hens. Why French ones? What was wrong with American ones? Will they lay eggs? I mean, it would be nice to have eggs on demand. Still, all these fowl is starting to be a bit foul (I'm hilarious, dairy. Hilarious). 

December 28

Dear Diary,

    Four colly birds! What the hell is up with all the damn birds? Did someone tell my wife I wanted to open up an aviary? Because whoever did is DEAD to me! I am now the owner of ten birds. The checkout people at PetSmart all know me by name at this point. Today I'm going to pick up more feed, and move the birds into a shack I've built out back. Wish me luck, diary. 

December 29

Dear Diary,

    Finally! NO MORE BIRDS! Instead today I was given Five Golden Rings. I have no idea what I'm going to do with five golden rings, I'm just glad it wasn't more birds. 

December 30

Dear Diary,

    I spoke too soon. Six Geese. Where did she find all of these things!? Was QVC having a fire sale on birds or something? I really wish she was a bit more practical in her gifting. It's not that I dislike having these birds around, they're lovely. The thing is, I'm just starting to feel a little like Tippi Hedren. I buy her jewelry, and she keeps giving me the bird. 

December 31

Dear Diary,

    Happy New Years Eve! We're going out to a friend's tonight for a party, and I'm looking forward to it. As you could guess, today it was yet more birds. Seven Swans, who have all taken up residence in our pool. They just swim, peck, eat, swim, peck eat. PetSmart now sales food to me by the case. We've locked the cat down in the basement, he has that same gleam in his eyes that starving man does at an all you can eat buffet.

January 1

Dear Diary,

    Happy New Year! I'm looking forward to a fresh start for a prosperous new year. We had a great time last night at the party, and I fully admit that I overdid it. So much so, that I thought I was hallucinating this morning when I looked out on the lawn and saw eight young ladies milking cows. It was very real, and today's gift. I'm starting to think this whole “12 days of Christmas” thing was a horrible idea. 

January 2

Dear Diary,

    My life is becoming a circus. This ever-growing menagerie now has nine ladies dancing. Birds chirp, maids milk, and now women are dancing all over the house. I'm starting to feel like a sleazy strip club owner. If I hear “Black Velvet” one more time, I'm gonna die. 

January 3

Dear Diary,

    I think today's gift was more for my wife than it was for me—actually I think this whole gift thing is just her attempt to Gaslight me. Today it was nine lords a leaping. Men dancing this time. You can't move anywhere on my property without running into a thin, leotard-wearing man jumping around like his life depended on it. I think I've fallen into my own personal Circ Du Soleil Hell. 

January 4

Dear Diary,

    Eleven Pipers. That will not stop piping. You know how much I hate Renascence fairs? Well, guess what? I'm now living in the middle of one. They won't even stop at night! Who did I marry, what happened to that gal? She loved Apple products, not slow torturing her spouse! I think what's far scarier, is that there was a place she could order all of this from. 

January 5

Dear Diary,

    Today is the final day, praise Jesus! I woke up this morning to what I thought was the sound of rifles being fired to finally put me out of my misery, but was instead my last present. Twelve drummers. Just like the pipers of yesterday, they never stop drumming. They even followed me all the way down to the police station. Did I fail to mention that I was brought in for questioning this morning? It seems that having nine young ladies milking cows in your front lawn is a borderline violation of child labor laws. 

    PETA has set up a protest outside my house as well, they are upset with the number of caged critters on my land. I was even on the news last night! To top it all off, this morning in my mail, I found a sternly worded letter from Oprah. Next year, I am not exchanging gifts with my wife. I'm just gonna get her a McDonald's gift card...it'll be all I can afford after the legal bills.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mr. Thompson, Thanksgiving, and Her

-
Image
I was standing in the fresh market, and I was having a panic attack. I’ve cooked Thanksgiving meals before. I’ve been in supermarkets the day of Thanksgiving with no trouble at all. This was different. I was getting ready to cook Thanksgiving dinner for a woman I found myself attracted to. We had gone out a few times, and each time was even lovelier than the last. Despite my angst and bitter disposition at the universe for the way that romance has treated me, the fact of the matter is, as Morrisey said, “I am human and I need to be loved.” Grocery shopping is one of the ways I relax, I know that’s weird, but that’s me. The rational part of my brain began to counter my panic centers as soon as the attack started. “Dude, you’re in a grocery store! You love this! Bread! Food! Cheese! Cookies! Those really nice organic cleaning products! Chill, brah.” Logically I knew I had this. I’ve cooked entire holiday meals by myself before. But the part of my brain that fuels the anxiety a
Read more

The Strangest Movie I've Ever Seen

-
Image
There are certain movies that defy description. Movies that are so strange, so bizarre, people would swear you were making them up, until you actually produced a copy of the film and showed it to them. There are movies in this world that were designed to be weird from the get go, but nothing is quite as weird as movie that wasn't designed that way. A movie that was made just as any other movie on the yearly slate for the studio. A movie that was made not as a strange B picture, but as a major A production, with a big name cast, a budget, and everything. Such a movie is MGM's 1971 picture Pretty Maids All in a Row . It is, without question, the weirdest movie I've ever seen. Pretty Maids All in a Row is such an odd movie, that I have a hard time trying to wrap my brain around it. It's very much a product of its time, and very much the kind of movie that NO ONE would dare try to make today. It's a film that I had never heard of, until a recent DVD release b
Read more

Free to Gloat

-
Image
If you've been in a retail store anytime from the middle of October to now, you've noticed something. There was an alarmingly early display of Christmas items. I took my mother to the grocery the other day, and in the dairy section I noticed that there was already Egg Nog on sale. Out loud, I said “Egg Nog? But it's not even Halloween!” My mother laughed, she laughed a laugh of glee and delight and said “Oh, how I love it.” She's referring to the fact that for years, when she would complain about the sight of Christmas in stores before Thanksgiving, I would call her out on it. She took great delight in gloating over how I was now doing the same thing. Matter of fact, if one digs through the archives of my column, and goes back a good six or seven years, I actually WROTE about my mother's complaints of “It's not even Thanksgiving”. Since things are coming full circle with my entering into the stage of “It's not even Thanksgiving”, I'd figur
Read more