Andyland, USA

It was my intention to give you all an Easter themed column this week. I had an idea fully fleshed out in my head, and even had the team over at Andy Enterprises run it by the focus group and test market it. Yet when it came time to actually construct the column, I was unable to finish it in time. For the first time the final mix up brought up some rather sad business, I had to let some of the team over at Andy Enterprises go. Then I felt about about that, hired them back, and they sued me for firing them in the first place. It was all settled out of court, over a game of Scrabble. So why is this not an Easter column? What could have possibly transpired that resulted in legal action and Scrabble? I'll tell you. I was going to write a column about finding an engagement ring in an Easter Egg. Andy Enterprises even was on the horn to the Hallmark Channel to negotiate the movie rights for some light and airy TV movie that would air next year, with a title like “The Easter Bride

I have a strict personal policy when it comes to Facebook. I like to keep my Facebook profile weird. What do I mean by that? Simply that I try not to over share, I try to not bemoan how I feel that day, and I try to post things that I think will make people laugh. Especially the ones who I actually see on a regular basis, and not the ones who never talked to me in High School, yet want to be Facebook friends anyway (what's up with that?). Sure, I rant and rave sometimes, but never about politics. Usually my Facebook rants are all about stupid Hollywood remakes, and bad music. But mostly I'm just actively making sure I don't engage in a far too often Facebook trap. That which I mentioned above, over sharing. The biggest example of over sharing that I see far too often on the Facebooks, is that which occurs by people in relationships. You might known both parts of the relationship, or only one, but it doesn't matter. Both of them usually engage in over

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to tell you about the best movie that will never be made. Why will this movie never be made? Some of the participants are...well...dead. So I'm going to ask that you momentarily follow me into a land where some time lines have been shifted. The germ of this idea was sprouted while having a conversation with my barber when I got a haircut this week. We'll pause for a second, so that some of you can have your moment of humming the Pavement song “Cut Your Hair.” Done? Welcome back! This motion picture has no title, no studio attached to it, or anything like that. But what it does have is a ballpark to play in, and a ballpark I want you to keep in your mind while reading about it. This is a movie that will play as a cross between a Bing Crosby and Bob Hope “Road” picture, and The Muppet Movie. For one, it's a cross country “road” movie. For the other, it's going to have celebrity cameos in it. Are you ready? OK, here we go. P

With the coming of March, we all start to think about spring cleaning. I usually never do too much of it, my house is fairly clean in general. This year, however, I decided to get a preemptive strike on it done. As with each year, I keep saying something along the lines of “This will be the year I finally get around to cleaning out that basement!” In year's past, I've said that with all enthusiasm, but usually I wind up moving a box from one corner of the basement to another. I'll give up around midday, and get distracted by the fact that Murder, She Wrote is in my Netflix queue (don't you judge me). But this was the year I finally decided to do something about the tangled web of cardboard boxes, seasonal decorations, and my grandmother's luggage. The biggest issue is sorting through the things you genuinely want to keep, be it for sentimental reasons, or just something that you know will come in handy one day. Then there's all the other esoteric...crap.