Andyland, USA

By the time Thanksgiving had ended last year I found myself faced with two situations. One, that I had spent the night at my Aunt's house without planing to do so. Two, that the family collectively asked me if I would do their Black Friday shopping for them. Granted, they didn't so much “ask” as much as “shove a list into my hands and write checks.” I had spend most of last Thanksgiving, and the night before it, at my Aunt’s house in Morristown. I returned home to do the shopping and to, hopefully, catch a moderate amount of sleep. I was given the list at 6:45 in the evening. I left shortly after seven, and considering traffic, I made it home around 8:30. I’m not one who can just fall into bed and sleep, I have to wind down a bit, there’s the also the fact I have a touch of the family insomnia that kicks up from time to time. In this situation I also had to unpack and put away all the gear I took to my Aunt’s. I finally had everything done and put away by 9:15. In m...

I would like to describe to you the events of last Thanksgiving. Here’s the particulars of the situation before I dive into the “meat” of the matter. I was not hosting last year, the family was gathering at my Aunt’s house, which at this time last year was in Morristown. Thanksgiving for me began on the Wednesday night before. It was around 9:00 when the phone rang, I was sitting quietly listening to some Jazz, and reading a copy of “The Big Sleep” that had been sitting on my coffee table for months.  My house phone is one of those that speaks the name of the caller as it rings, I always wait for it to tell me who it is, so I don’t have to get up for some damn telemarketer. The phone indicated that it was my Aunt who was calling, so I rushed over to the receiver. Upon answering I could tell that my Aunt was in something of a panic. “It’s frozen! What am I going to do?” was the response when I said “hello.” I would soon learn that my Aunt was referring to the 20 pound turkey ...

My desk is often flooded with e-mails, letters, tweets, and angry blog posts all asking for my guidance. As many of you know, I'm the nation's foremost expert when it comes to Thanksgiving. You've no doubt read my book “Thanksgiving: A Guide to Surviving the Big Day without Committing a Homicide.” It's sold well over 10s of copies. With the big day just a few weeks away, I thought now would be a good time to respond to the many questions piling up on my desk. These questions were chosen at random by a three year old on a sugar high. Our first question comes from NAME REDACTED from Erwin, NAME REDACTED asks “My family thinks that marshmallows on sweet potatoes is an essential part of any Thanksgiving meal, I personally think that marshmallows on sweet potatoes is a sign that Satan is among us. What are your thoughts on this topic?” Well, REDACTED, I've never felt that the lovely treat that is marshmallows has ever been a sign of a malevolent force present...

I've been losing weight this year in a new effort to make myself a little trimmer and healthier. I've accomplished this by cutting down on fats and sugars, and making an effort to move around more. I walk around two miles daily, which is an increase from where I began with just doing a mile a day at the start of the year. I've managed to drop 20 pounds this year, which I bring up because I want you heap praises and laurels upon me. However, we're now entering into the most delicate time of the year when it comes to keeping on the right path. Food is coming. In the span between Halloween and New Year's Day it could become very easy to gain back all 20 pounds I lost. Halloween obviously has massive bowls of candy sitting around the house. In my family Halloween takes on a Christmas level importance, there is also a buffet table of food out on Halloween night. Any amount you might have lost to healthy activities could be easily blown in one night. Between...

I could see the headline rolling across my mind as I drove a 24 foot long U-Haul truck through a narrow up hill road in the rain. Ideally, the headline would say “Beloved Writer Dies in Blaze of Glory, Thousands of Secret Lovers Revealed in Aftermath.” However, the reality of the situation is that the headline would say “Local Idiot Dies in Truck Incident, Was Wearing Spongebob Underwear.” As those thoughts went through my mind, I too thought of the other outcome, should I prove successful in this venture. At least, I would be thanked. At most, I would be thanked, and given an Applebees gift card. The reason as to why I found myself behind the wheel of a behemoth U-Haul truck is that my Aunt and her husband were moving into a new house, and they needed help. I consider myself a very competent and rather good driver, but the idea of driving a truck that is partially to blame for the ice caps melting, isn't something that thrills me. Initially, I wouldn't have to w...

Looking for a new iPhone case should not fill me with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Yet as I begin the process to look for a new iPhone case, I find myself doing more research than I would if I was buying a car. It's the same crossroads that do me in each time, style vs function. I don't want my nice iPhone to be inside a candy colored plastic brick, nor do I want something that looks like it can survive reentry. I want something with some style, a kick, a little personal touch. Sometimes the biggest issue with style over substance is that most of the stylish cases simply snap on and cover the iPhone, offering very little protection. I'm a little odd in the sense that I both quite like technology, yet I'm something of an old fashioned type. This is why when I discovered that iPhone cases made of actual wood were a thing I became excited. There's actually more than one company making wooden iPhone cases. All of the language on the company's webpa...

As October rolls around we begin to make our lists of must see Halloween movies. Many of which are horror films that we've been watching forever. It all starts in September when I begin to look at my movie shelf and start to ponder what I want to watch in the coming month. If there is one director whose films I get really excited about watching every October, it's the films directed by William Castle. Castle's career as a director spanned from the early 1940s right up to the mid 1970s. I don't wish to go too deeply into Castle's past, or his whole life, really. There's a fantastic documentary on the man called “Spin-Tingler: The William Castle Story” that is worth checking out. Instead, the exact period of films I want to focus on that make a “William Castle Movie” what they are, would be the films Castle produced and directed from 1958-1965. What is it about this span of films that makes them so special and such an excited part of my Halloween celebra...