A Letter to Santa

-

Dear Santa,

Big man! Sup? Christmas time once again, eh? Seems like it was just a year ago. First off, let me assure you—as I'm all to aware you know—that I have been a VERY good boy this year. I began my charity this year, The Andy Ross Charity for College Women Who Wear Short Shorts and Shop at The Mall. We've done great things, and I've seen a lot of short shorts. I know you can appreciate the sentiments. 

Your time is valuable, so if it is alright with you, I'd like to get right down to business and tell you what I would like for Christmas. First off, I would like for there to be peace on the planet. Peace, and for all the children of the world, to be able to embrace the tasty gift that is cheese. Oh, and you should add some type of fancy party cracker to go with that. One of those ones from the highest part of the shelf at the supermarkets. Guess you should throw in a coke too, that's gonna need some type of beverage. You know what, just make that feed the kids, OK? 

Secondly, I would like a 1965 Ford Mustang Convertible, preferably in red, with a lovely redhead inside it. Maybe I shouldn't beg or choose. Some type of gal to run around with would be appreciated. Just as long as she is cute and isn't horrified by my very presence, and or touch. If the trunk of this car could be filled with half a million dollars in unmarked bills, that would be great too. I would do good with the money, donate some to charity, and use the rest to make a charming house for myself and the cute gal in the mustang. 

Third, I think you deserve a gift, Santa. When was the last time anyone did anything nice for you? I mean, sure the elves got you that mug that said “Best Santa Ever”, but did that really fill you full of joy? I think not. I want you to get something nice for yourself. How about a Keurig? Everyone likes coffee, and it makes hot chocolate too! When you come down my chimney this year, you'll also find a gift card good for one massage session. I'm sure they have someone who can do that up there at the North Pole. 

Well, that's it. I don't want much, just a few things. I am a humble person Santa, I even took a billboard out on North Roan calling me “The Most Gracious and Humble Man In Town”. I think this year will be a grand Christmas all around Santa, and once you've discovered the joy of coffee made quick from a tiny cup like thing—you're gonna be oh so holly and jolly. As per usual I'll have the runway lights on the top of my house on that night, and I'll be fast asleep. The cookies will be by the tree, with an extra box for the road—plus a flask of 2%. 

Wishing you a Merry Christmas,

Andy 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mr. Thompson, Thanksgiving, and Her

-
Image
I was standing in the fresh market, and I was having a panic attack. I’ve cooked Thanksgiving meals before. I’ve been in supermarkets the day of Thanksgiving with no trouble at all. This was different. I was getting ready to cook Thanksgiving dinner for a woman I found myself attracted to. We had gone out a few times, and each time was even lovelier than the last. Despite my angst and bitter disposition at the universe for the way that romance has treated me, the fact of the matter is, as Morrisey said, “I am human and I need to be loved.” Grocery shopping is one of the ways I relax, I know that’s weird, but that’s me. The rational part of my brain began to counter my panic centers as soon as the attack started. “Dude, you’re in a grocery store! You love this! Bread! Food! Cheese! Cookies! Those really nice organic cleaning products! Chill, brah.” Logically I knew I had this. I’ve cooked entire holiday meals by myself before. But the part of my brain that fuels the anxiety a
Read more

The Strangest Movie I've Ever Seen

-
Image
There are certain movies that defy description. Movies that are so strange, so bizarre, people would swear you were making them up, until you actually produced a copy of the film and showed it to them. There are movies in this world that were designed to be weird from the get go, but nothing is quite as weird as movie that wasn't designed that way. A movie that was made just as any other movie on the yearly slate for the studio. A movie that was made not as a strange B picture, but as a major A production, with a big name cast, a budget, and everything. Such a movie is MGM's 1971 picture Pretty Maids All in a Row . It is, without question, the weirdest movie I've ever seen. Pretty Maids All in a Row is such an odd movie, that I have a hard time trying to wrap my brain around it. It's very much a product of its time, and very much the kind of movie that NO ONE would dare try to make today. It's a film that I had never heard of, until a recent DVD release b
Read more

Blood Cold Mysteries

-
Image
If there is one bit of esoteric classic movie stuff that simply fascinates me, it’s the trilogy of films directed by veteran actor William Conrad—and all released in 1965. They’re the three of only four feature films directed by Conrad, who spent all of his other directorial adventures on the small screen. The late William Conrad was a famed actor, playing Matt Dillon on the original radio version of “Gunsmoke,” and coming to full pop culture fame on TV in “Cannon” & “Jake and The Fat Man.” For this writer, Conrad will always be immortal for being the narrator on “Rocky & Bullwinkle.”  The three films in question all were released by Warner Brothers—where Conrad had a production office it seems—and are: “Brainstorm,” “Two On A Guillotine,” and the film I’m going to talk about today, “My Blood Runs Cold.” One of the reasons I’m fascinated by these three films is my built in soft spot for 1960s, black and white horror fare with crazy, bombastic promotion. I adore the f
Read more