Thank You for Calling Your Cable Company

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Thank you for calling Cable Luv Customer Service! In order to provide further assistance, this phone call may be monitored. If you have a question about your billing, press one. If you have a question about service, press two. If you are experiencing equipment issues, press three. If you'd like to speak to a customer service representative, please stay on the line.

You have pressed two, service. If you're having trouble with your TV reception, press one. If you're having issues with your internet service, press two. If you're becoming frustrated, press three. You have selected trouble with your TV reception. If you're experiencing loss of signal, press one. If you're wondering why half the channels cut out on the TV upstairs, press two. If you're wondering why we can get away with highway robbery, press three.

You have pressed two, loss of channels on the upstairs TV. Is this TV connected to a cable box? Press one. If this TV used to be connected to a cable box, then in a moment of anger, you jerked the box off the table and urinated on it, press two. If you miss the days when a pair of bunny ears was all you needed, press three. Hodor? Press hodor.

You have pressed one, a cable box connected to a TV. Before we begin to analyze what might be wrong with your reception, let's go over some troubleshooting basics. Is this cable box plugged into the wall? Press one for yes, two for no. Have you connected the cable to the box? Press one for yes, two for no. Have you sacrificed a goat to appease Cthulhu? Press one for yes, two for no. Have you worn a fancy headdress and preformed an incantation? Press one for yes, two for no.

You have indicated that you have preformed none of this troubleshooting acts. Therefore, a Cable Luv technician will be coming to your home to preform corrective services. You will need to be available at your home from tomorrow through Christmas, between three in the afternoon, to four o'clock at night. Though it is not required, if at all possible, we advise having a bucket full of the tears of the innocent standing by for the technician. You will receive two follow up phone calls, one to let you know when the technician is on their way, then another to inquire on how the technician preformed after the service call. Thank you for calling Cable Luv, the company that cares!

The morning of the service call.

Hello! This is a phone call from Cable Luv to inform you that a Cable Luv service technician is on their way to your home today. Please make sure you follow all the steps in getting your equipment ready for service, replace all toilet paper rolls in the house with fresh ones, and Febreeze the hell out of everything. Thank you!

The day after the service call.


Hello! This is a follow up phone call from Cable Luv, we'd like you to participate in a short survey about the satisfaction you have towards the recent service call that took place at your home. Please press one or yes, or two for no, after each question. Did the Cable Luv service technician arrived within the appointed time? Did the Cable Luv technician explain the problem to you in an understandable and concise manner? Did the Cable Luv technician end the service call by preforming an erotic dance to “Private Dancer” by Tina Turner? This ends the survey, thank you for being a Cable Luv customer!  

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