My Brilliant Scheme

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    In January of 2019, I will turn 34 years old—I am always amazed I made it this far. Seeing that I will turn 34 and that I’ve had a hell of a year with all the things going on, I feel it’s most important to celebrate my 34th year of life in a big way. A big, epic, slightly reckless and unnecessary way. Some people go on elaborate trips with their spouse—I’ve been single since the Regan administration, so that is not on the docket for me. 

    Nope, I want to do something that will require a small, yet sizable amount of money. This is something that Kickstarter will laugh at, so I must turn to the other crowd-funding favorite, GoFundMe. I know I will need at least $5,000. Rental fees for the venue? Hmm, let’s say another $5,000. Cost of goods for the party? Hmm, let’s just add another $5,000 to the list to keep it a nice, round amount. I’m sure there will be other incidentals that I will need to be aware of, so I think I should add an extra $5,000 of precautionary money to the list. I need a GoFundMe to reach $20,000 for my birthday. Why? To rent out a grocery store and play Supermarket Sweep. 

    You remember Supermarket Sweep, don’t you? That classic 1990s game show that pit people in pastel sweatshirts against each other in a race against time to fill their shopping carts full of expensive hams, turkeys, and block cheese. Whoever fills up their carts with the most money, gets to run for the grand prize of $5,000. That’s how I know I’ll need at least five grand as if you’re gonna rent out a store to play Supermarket Sweep, you ought to not kid around and do the actual thing. 

    First off, think of what an amazing themed party this would be. Secondly, think of all the headlines I’d make in our region: “Andy Ross Does The Most Andy Ross Thing, Rents Store to Play Supermarket Sweep.” Thrice, think of how much fun it would be to chase one another around the Ingles, chucking hams into our carts, and sprinting around with giant, inflatable tootsie rolls worth $200. Obviously, after the victor is declared we will feast on a giant cake while the cleanup crew re-stocks everything we didn’t damage and we all go home happy. 

    I know what you’re thinking: “But Andy, why not just rent a skating rink or a movie theater? Why waste food like this?” I hear you, and here comes the fourth part of my masterful plan for ultimate birthday fun. We ask the store we rent out well in advance to set aside the food that’s about to or has just turned bad. We won’t waste anything they can actually make a profit on! I have thought this scheme out through and through—it’s a win-win for all! 


    I hope you’ll consider donating to my GoFundMe when I launch it sometime in the near future. Just think of how much fun you’ll have giving to my dream of making Supermarket Sweep actually happen in a real Supermarket. Dream big, Y'all. Dream big. 

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