Evelyn's List

People of the universe, let me ask you something. When was the last time you fell for someone you most likely shouldn't have fallen for? You know what I'm talking about, the ones who are so very close to what you want, you over look those two or three other things that can throw it all off. Last year, I found myself in such a situation. I fell for this particular woman, and I fell HARD. I'll spare you the details about her that caused me to fall so deeply, but once we had waltzed our way through the flirtation stage, she made it clear to me that I wasn't enough for her.

So I did what any decent, upstanding member of the community would do after this. I drank black coffee and listened to every depressing Sinatra album I could find for days. Around day three I found that this was a bad combination, I was all weepy, and constantly running to the bathroom. It was also close to Thanksgiving, and no one wants to deal with a weepy man with a loaded bladder at that holiday (or any other, for that matter).

While waiting for the annual feast of turkey and starches to begin, I was detailing the events to my cousin Evelyn. She listened as I described all the things I loved about this woman, and then came to the conclusion that I had, thankfully, dodged a bullet. Evelyn suggested we make a list of reasons why a relationship with this person would be doomed to failure, a list of all the things that I didn't like. Those items right under the surface of all the sunshine and perfection.

The start of the list were the obvious things, items we clashed over, nothing major. But as this list progressed, it became full of the tiny details, little things that I always felt were off about this lass. There were things on the list like “She was insecure about her looks”, “She felt she had disproportionate feet”, and “Claimed she could bench press a mule.”

Each entrance on the list was based off a little incident that happened during the time we were together, if you can even call it that. The time I went with her to her parent's house for dinner, and she fought with her mother the entire time, see “Mommy Issues”. Her tendency to latch onto fad diets, including the one week she was on the all sweet potato diet, was another item listed. What I thought would be a short list, with just five to ten reasons, quickly blossomed into a list of forty five faults.

By the time Thanksgiving was over, the list was completed. I, for once, felt good about leaving that particular lass behind. When I still get wistful about “what might have been” I look over the list,  gently laugh to myself, and realize that despite all the surface value, she was not for me. If I don't find myself reading over the list, Evelyn is more than happy to recite it to me—she put a copy of her phone. Evelyn is so concerned with my current prospects that I'm seeing, that she has made potential lists for each of them.

I've not seen any of these lists, yet, but she assures me they are ready for the moment I break out my copy of “No One Cares” and start to brew up some French Roast. Ever made a list for any people from your past? It's rather fun, and can make for some amusing conclusions.